Not To Diminish ....But....

We had a Trauma/PTSD inservice the other day at work. Concerning our student population and the teachers and staff who serve them. Much like going to WebMD and reading your syptoms of a classic headache MAY be a brain tumor, I left the inservice thinking I may have a name for my symptoms. I MAY have PTSD from divorce and single motherhood. I MAY be experiencing trauma on a daily basis at my workplace.. I am rubbed so raw, that my desire for "normalcy" or a stretch of MAYBE a week where life is calm, is unattainable. I wake up with my heart in my throat, tenuously making and drinking coffee, waiting for the first shoe to drop. Will it be a text from my ex husband? Will it be a phone call from my oldest son needing me to do something for him IMMEDIATELY, when my day is already booked? More likely it will be a tone of voice, an angry outburst...from my youngest son. I am always in a state of high alert... and how long can a body sustain that level of anxiety before it destroys rational thought?
Much like a soldier in a war, I am in a daily battle for peace, lightheartedness and order. I know, I know. Who isn't? But you don't understand. I have no idea what it feels like to RELAX and ENJOY my family life. I read that that's how other households are. I am envious, jealous and cynical when I hear that others had a "wonderful evening. we watched a movie, had a fire".... WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!??? And you were with family? Amazing. Time with my family is heart in the throat, hate to answer the next phone call, and waiting for calamity.......Maybe I dont have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have RTSD....Recurring Traumatic Stress Disorder.